Waking the Snakes
by morning.chickenhead
Summary: A selection from the diary of Alex Nunez. Alex grapples with birth control, sex and sexuality, and her tough home situation. Also featuring Jay and Paige.


**Disclaimer: I do not own characters or settings from Degrassi. Just the stuff between the proper nouns.**

**Waking the Snakes:  
****_Selections from the diary of Alex Nunez._**

I like hanging out at the ravine. Can snag a good free high off any guy with a flirtatious smile because they think that if you're high they can get with you. But they end up being too crackerjax to do anything but cackle or stare into space. That's what I do too and it's cool. Jay has been eyeing me. Tomorrow I will look so hot for him.

Jay and I were just chatting and I was waiting for him to offer me a smoke but instead we were actually laughing and joking without being high. He drove me home. I didn't tell him there's no "home" for me to go to right now. Just stood on the stoop of the building and smiled coyly as he revved off. When there was no sign of him I left.  
The women here are black and blue just like Mom. Not just from getting beat but also because they're sad and angry I think. I hate them for being weak.

Jay and I were just talking again today when he was all like let's go somewhere private. And he took me to the van. I know all about the van of course but always laughed it off and tried to make like I'm too good for it. Terrified would be a better word. He wanted me to suck him off and I said I couldn't because I just bit my tongue and it was bleeding which it was and I was like you'll probably get AIDS from me or some shit if I put that in my mouth. He was like you don't have AIDS and I said duh I was just joking but was relieved he didn't ask me again.  
Because in my mind I could see the contorted faces and shadows or even bright light or Light Bright, I had one of those and once designed pictures of unicorns and rainbows because little girls are supposed to like that stuff and I thought I did until I realized they didn't exist. I felt the swelling in the back of my mouth. Choking on flesh.  
That's why I bit my tongue. That's why they tell lies to little girls.  
I like you Alex, Jay says, and kisses me. Even though my mouth was bleeding.  
He drove me "home" again.

We had sex. It was so weird, just slippery and awkward. Then it was over. Jay was panting as he thrust against me. I was really self-conscious and felt like I was watching us from above. I might as well have been reading a magazine or smoking up while he fucked me.  
He gave me two neon bracelets. I had always said when people asked that I wouldn't wear them because they were girly and retarded.  
I wore them on the ride home. And I haven't taken them off.

Jay gave Amy a bracelet!! Can you believe it. I am so fucking pissed off. I missed the ravine last night because I was working. She gave him head and he says it doesn't count, it's not real sex. He said, "It means nothing to me, Lexie. We were just goofing around. I didn't realize you would be upset. But I won't do it again." No shit!  
I'll make sure he doesn't do it again. Amy's on my black list for one thing, but as for Jay…he won't want to chase Amy again after the head _I_ give him.

I swallowed back the shadows. I'm not weak like the women here, with their sunken faces and sagging arms. Men hate them and take advantage of them because they're weak.  
I'm strong. I swallow.

Jay agreed to split the cost of my birth control. Good since it's freaking expensive. If you ask me it should be free. From the government. Then there wouldn't be all these little shits running around with snot all over their faces and candy stuck in their hair and the wailing oh the wailing. SHUT the FUCK. UP. !  
Surprised though. He really must care about me. Or he just hates brats as much as I do.

Fucking has been better since we started oral. Sometimes Jay goes down on me before and it's easier for me to get into it. Yesterday I was chewing gum and I blew a bubble while we were doing it. I wouldn't let it pop until I orgasmed. But I didn't. After Jay came I spit the gum onto the floor of the van and stomped on the bubble when I stood up.

Did you know you still get your period if you're on the pill! What's up with that shit. For one week of the month you take freaking sugar-pills not hormones and your body no longer thinks it's pregnant so it sheds. I found out the hard way; was making out with Jay down at the ravine and he put his hand down my pants and was all like "Oh you're so wet" and when he took his hand out he freaked because there was blood all over it. He was swearing and yelling at me, "What the fuck is wrong with you, I thought you were on the pill?" So apparently he also thought you don't get your period. Maybe I should've listened while the doc was talking his face off at me.  
I feel so bad; it was weird enough for me but then Jay? He's always making these comments about girls being on the rag and shit and he's obviously so phobiaed about menstruation. Well I can fix that. There's no way I'm going to lose prime bracelet earning while I'm bleeding from the placebos.

Jay was all suspicious about why the cost of my pills went up. I was just like, dude it's the pharmaceutical companies. They think women are their freaking personal property. Probably I'm not far off. But anyway yeah I'm so not taking those placebos anymore. No more rag for me!

I know what Jay did with Emma. He doesn't know I know. What does it matter? He and Amy never stopped, and he doesn't know I know that either. In fact I didn't admit it to myself until now. I wanted to believe that I was the only one who mattered to him. I_ am_ his Number One girl, I know that, but all that means is that I'm the one who gets hurt the most, over and over.

So I've been on the pill and what has it done for me?! I'm not preggo but I have freaking gonorrhea! The doc at school said that men have a 20 chance of getting it from a woman with it but women have a 50 chance of getting it from a man with it. Sucks to be us! And that's why Amy, Amanda, Jenni, and sure as hell Emma have it, too! I hate those girls and their stupid confused faces.

I told Jay he needs to pay for my antibiotics. This time he wasn't as supportive. He said that there's no meds to cure sluttiness. I yelled "You're the whore, Ja_son!_" And I was crying, I'm not really sure why. He hugged me and tried to calm me down. Then he said "We'll get through this together." He agreed once again to split the cost of the meds.

We're back in the apartment now. Mom went back and begged for Chad's forgiveness. I don't know what he has to forgive her for: humiliating herself by dragging me to a battered women's shelter? Did she miss the "battered" part of that title?? I told Jay he could come over; he's been asking. We don't hang out at the ravine anymore, least we haven't for about a week. He comes over and drinks beer with Chad and while Chad has his eyes glued to the tube Jay fondles my breasts and steals a quick kiss. I like that. It kind of feels like…home.

When I got home from work tonight Jay was here…AGAIN. What the fuck he is always in my space. He stays over every night. We're off the antibiotics now and apparently cured of our sick STDs and he always wants to get in my pants again. I let him because I want more of the kisses and caresses and the secret smiles. But sex makes me really tired, physically and mentally. It just feels like more work and it feels like I am like his mother or something which is totally…wrong. Like he's a little baby crying and feeding down there.

Paige, the girl I hate the most of all girls, now works at the theatre with me. I send mini daggers towards her with my eyes every time her back is turned. Her life is so perfect. Her hair, clothes, and make-up are all perfect. I hope to god she's fucked up on the inside, because from the outside she is way too fucking perfect.

Jay and I finally broke up. It's been coming for a loooooong time. Our relationship was so mechanical. It was like I was just his caretaker. I fed him tv dinners and lifted his feet off the coffee table to wipe the spilled beer underneath. And at night I shared my bed with him and gave him his pretty, personal satisfaction. The night he didn't follow me to bed but stayed out to watch the plays of the day with Chad I knew he was no longer satisfied. And considering I haven't been satisfied since…well maybe since that first day we talked at the ravine when he got me to laugh without getting me high first. I've just been disappointed that our relationship didn't end up being like that, like I wanted it to be.  
He still comes over though, and hangs out with Chad. So after work instead of going home…"home," I mean…I go to the ravine. After all, I'm still on the pill and off the rag. And I carry condoms with me now. I'm ready to start making bracelets again.

I went to the ravine between school and work today and forgot to take off the bracelet. Paige flipped. She said I was degrading myself. I told her to fuck off. She said don't let them make you into a whore. I said I'm not a whore, I'm a girl with nothing to live for. When I wasn't looking she snipped the bracelet off my wrist with a pair of scissors then looked at me triumphantly. For the first time I sent those mini daggers right into her eyes. But when I looked into her eyes I realized that she actually cared about me. And I just about melted. Literally. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out.  
When I looked into the mirror I noticed that my face was black and blue. I remembered the women in the shelter. No one has beat me for awhile. So it must be something else. Sadness and anger.

My last bout of sex at the ravine. All that sadness and anger I wanted to expel and at this point the only way I know how is to get high and…get low. The high is temporary and the sex is hollow. The shadows overcast the face of the guy who's bopping around inside of me.  
Men don't take advantage of women because women are weak. They take advantage of women because men are weak and women are strong.

Women are strong. Now I realize that one of the strongest women I know is Paige Michalchuk. She told me her story, why the perfect princess is working at the movie theatre concession stand: Because she got fired from her job at The Dot. Which she took because she wrecked her boyfriend's car. Which she did because she was getting revenge on another guy. Which she did because he raped her.  
I never knew we would have something in common, her and me. Fucked up on the inside. For the princess, _royally_ fucked up. Sexual assault is a freaking mind-bender. _When will I get over it??_

I never thought Paige and I would be friends. And I never thought I'd be attracted to her either. But as we sexy-danced at the premiere last night, I just lost all control. Or maybe I…gained control. I realized that not only are women strong, but I'm attracted to their strength. It's a strength I wish I had.  
Paige shot me down but that's the least of my worries. It makes so much sense…why sex with men was always so hollow…and maybe it's because I was so literally screwed up as a kid? Or maybe it's genetic? I don't know. I don't get these things. If the people gawking at the premiere prove anything though, it's that people think two girls are hot. And so do I.  
I also can't forget the care in Paige's eyes…all those men cared about was taking from me: my pride, my self-confidence, my love of life. All Paige wanted to do, on the other hand, was to give.

I'm thrilled: Paige came around.  
We touched each other's cheek with the backs of our hands. We gazed into each other's eyes. We kissed. Our tongues touched. We pressed up against each other. We ran our fingers through each other's hair. We held each other's heads and backs tightly, not wanting to let go or be told the lies that our spontaneous love meant nothing, that we couldn't be together.  
Our swelling breasts, our rising and falling stomachs, our burning and rolling sex; our tentative pointed toes, our entwining legs, our light and determined hips.  
This sex is not hollow.  
Strange how a woman can fill me up when all my life I've been told that only a man can do that. As it turns out, _only a woman can do that_.

When I woke up this morning I said to myself, "I'm a lesbian." And I was proud and happy for the first time in a long time. I went over to my dresser and dropped my pills into the garbage. I looked in the mirror and smiled. Not black and blue. My cheeks actually had colour in them, maybe from smiling so much the way I do when I'm with Paige. And my hair looked sleek even though it was tangled from sleep.  
I flipped on the light and stuck my tongue out at the shadows. "I am too good for you," I murmured. Then I remembered that the shadows just want me to be good. So I corrected myself: "I am too strong for you."

I started bleeding almost as soon as I stopped taking the pills. I bled for two weeks straight. I told Paige that I had gone off my birth control and she looked at me understandingly. "A woman's period is a part of her strength," she told me, as though she had read my mind. "It's something that is hers and hers only. That no one else can control if she doesn't let them." Then she leaned in and whispered, "I'm bleeding, too." And kissed me long and hard and deep.


End file.
